Haunted
Was only mildly behind on my summer list of "Things to do" until this week, when I subjected myself to an epic, multi-day case of procrastination. The current task to to revise my first chapter into academic article to submit to a major journal. I am not working on it (and don't want to work on it) for the following reasons:
1. Form/Structure: I am focusing on only one part of the chapter (the section I extracted and revised for a couple of conference papers) so I am currently working from a 10-page conference paper rather than a 40 page-chapter. The goal is a 20-25 page article. In terms of revision, cutting, not expanding, is my forte.
2. Haunting. Let me explain.
The life of a neurotic grad student (no, not necessarily a redundant term) is one pervaded by a sense of anticipated failure. Since we all made it to grad school, actual academic/professional failure is rare and occasional (ahem, SSHRC) but for the most part it is the spectre of imminent failure that haunts me/us, that leads to qualifying claims with parenthetical asides (like this one!), that either drives or paralyzes us (often one leads to the other, and vice versa). One of my profs once mentioned that he thought he would stop feeling like a fraud once he actually got a job as a professor, but he was wrong. We are all haunted; the haunting will never stop.
In terms of this particular project, I am haunted by the feedback (constructive but not glowing) that I have recieved on it, including that from my supervior, one of my committee members, and two anonymous conference paper vettors. Frankly, I can't take criticism (to be fair, I also don't take praise well. I never know how to react). It took me days to work up the courage to re-read the more critical of the two vettors' reports, and even then I had to start by merely skimming. The skimming is representative of my roundabout approach to this article. This week I've read a couple of marginally relevant articles, started trying to read McKeon's Secret History of Domesticity again, and even writing about my writing difficulties in this blog entry. I have also watched my hours of Hell's Kitchen UK on Youtube and learned to make Greek salad (two unrelated items).
I am also haunted by my experience of writing the chapter, a torturous, dragged-out process that I was undergoing this time last year. My mistake with chapter one was to start writing the draft before having fully developed my argument—I'm not a process writer in that I don't think as I write. I do "write to think", as the saying goes, but by hand and on looseleaf pages. Last summer I went against my usual process and the result was a chapter that had potential but lacked overall cohension. Some writers need to think of their chapters as "just a draft" in order to get over the hump and start writing. I don't think I'm that kind of writer.
So the mist of failure hovers over me as I look with dread at my cut-up chapter. My procrastination has also seeped into other aspects of my life—some research trip loose ends I need to tie up during my upcoming trip, gathering reading materials for my chapter three prep, figuring out when I'm heading back to Calgary. Everything is at a standstill.
This is ridiculous.
