Friday, January 25, 2008

Frigid-clarity

Clarity in writing is important for more than just essays. Case in point:

Which direction do I turn the dials in order to make the fridge colder? (The writing below the letter dial unhelpfully reads "Start controls at "5" and "C". Adjust for warmer or colder.") What do the up arrows mean? If I want colder air, does that mean I should turn the dial in that direction? Does it mean that higher numbers/letters indicates colder? Or does the arrow indicate that the letters/numbers on the higher part of the dial is where it's colder? GAH!

After a few days of fiddling around with the controls, I realized late last night that the fridge and freezer compartments were nowhere near as cold as they should be. For example, my frozen ground beef was rather soft. And my ice cube trays were filled with water.

To that end, and because my landlady can't phone a repairman until Monday, I have salvaged what I can out of the freezer, put the frozen foods in a Rubbermaid bin with a pack of ice and placed the bin on my balcony. Even if fridge doesn't get fixed by early next week, I am quite sure that the balcony will make an excellent freezer substitute. Because:


Holy fuck will it be cold here.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Hunger sign

How hungry am I right now? I read the following headline...


as "Fried man: Detective's big egg stole half my life."

Monday, January 21, 2008

R2D2 knit hat pattern

I have finally gotten around to writing up the pattern and plotting the chart for my R2D2 toque (aka the R2D-toque).



The PDFs require Adobe Reader (or Acrobat), which can be downloaded for free here. The PDF of the pattern can be downloaded by clicking here and the chart by clicking here.

The hat was knit with Sandnes Garn Alfa colour 1042 (grey) and Galway colour 10 (navy), though a later incarnation used Diamond (colour 848) due to lack of Galway and a comment about itchiness. The little bit of red and black was good old Paton's Shetland Chunky from the stash.

I am assuming that knitters who come to this pattern know intarsia and knitting in the round. In terms of difficulty, I would rate this as intermediate if only for the number of different bobbins/balls of yarn that need to be wrangled. Frankly, having now knit three hats in one month, I'm a bit sick of it and am happy to turn over R2D-toque duties to the other knitgeeks out there.

I've tested the chart but not the written instructions, so if anything needs clarifying or if there are any errors, please leave me a comment.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Oh for fuck's sake, Andrew Davies

PBS (in North America) and ITV (in the UK) are currently broadcasting a "Jane Austen Season", comprised of six TV adaptations of Austen's novels (four of them brand new). As such, it's an excellent opportunity to send Andrew Davies, screenwriter and adapter of the 1995 wet-T-shirt Pride and Prejudice and the latest Northanger Abbey, out on the publicity circuit, resulting in this infuriating, kind of stupid, and just plain weird fluff piece on CNN.com.

To sum up the main points:

1. Mr. Davies claims that Austen's plots are actually driven by sex and that the stories are more contemporary than people think they are.

Me: By trying to overcome a popular misconception, Davies overstates the issue. Austen's plots make use of the traditional structure of the marriage plot, meaning that sex could be one of the driving points. However, the plots are also often driven by social forces like lack of money (Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility) or encroaching changes in the class structure (Emma). And by concentrating so much on sex, Davies neglects the importance of love, of Austen's exploration of what it means to love someone feelingly but also rationally. And it's not like there isn't sex in the novels. Sex is what drives Lydia towards Wickham and what, one generation earlier, attracted Mr. Bennet to Mrs. Bennet. And look where that got them.

2. Mr. Davies likes to emphasize the physicality of the characters, admiring the heroines:

"Their bodies are quite a substantial part of what they bring to the whole sexual equation. Their hair and their shoulders and their necks and their breasts" -- ripe in decolletage -- "are all on show, part of the whole deal."
(Me: Ew?)

and the heroes:
"And the men, too," he goes on. "I have men on horseback riding very fast, working up a sweat, in boots and tight breeches, all that kind of thing."
Me: Okay, look. Yes, they had sex in the eighteenth-century. In fact, they had lots of sex, and lots of bastard babies, and lots and lots of STDs. But none of that appears in Austen for a reason. A lack of physicality in characterization and plotting means that whenever characters do move (dance, walk, move to a closer chair, inch a chair forward ever so slightly), its significance is greater. It is a matter of scale, and the scale Austen was working in was the drawing room, not the red light district.

3. Mr. Davies has mother issues:
"My mother was a difficult and unfathomable woman," declares Davies, "and I started trying to understand women at an early age."

Me: No comment.

4. Mr. Davies also seems to base his creative decision on his personal whims, not whether the new additions further overrated components such as plot, theme or characterization:
"All these novelists choose the scenes that they're going to write, and imply the scenes that they don't write -- and quite often I think the scenes they DON'T write are the scenes I want to see."

Me: I know that fidelity criticism in film adaptation is unproductive. I know that a more useful approach is to think of an adaptation of a novel as another reading, another interpretation. I know that adapations of classic novels often say more about the time that the adaptation was made rather than the time period that it portrays. But damn if I don't want to strangle Davies for his arrogance. I have yet to see Davies' version of Northanger Abbey so I'll reserve judgement on that. But that won't stop me from hatin' on his interviews.

P.S. I actually really like the Davies adaptation of Pride and Prejudice (wonkily paced ending notwithstanding). Why must creative people give interviews?

Sunday, January 13, 2008

The founder of Microsoft walks into a bar...

Bill Gates' celebrity-cameo-loaded video-spoof of his last day of work is striking, for the following dubious reasons:

1. The (accidental?) resemblance of the interview portions to the "talking head" interviews on The Office (US). If the resemblance is on purpose, what does this say about what it's like to work at Microsoft?

2. The assumption that computer geeks who care about Bill Gates can recognize Matthew McConaughey on sight alone.

3. The poor comic pacing. The Bono gag was excruciating. Fix it thusly: Show Bill Gates rocking out on Guitar Hero. See him pick up the phone and ask, "so, what do you think?" Then cut to Bono gently letting him down. Hmmm... methinks someone needs to buy Final Cut Pro.

4. Overall, it's actually not that funny. Sorry, Mr. Gates. You make spoof videos about as well as you make operating systems.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

What the world needs now

Pursuant (yeah, I know) to my previous post about clever inventions, I believe I have hit upon a real money maker.

Someone in the world needs to invent a collapsable travel mug.

Travel mugs are great for transporting coffee to and from places, but they're a pain in the ass to transport back when there's no coffee in them. Collapsable plastic cups exist, so why not a collapsable travel mug?

Some problems:
1. Materials. If stainless steel is out, then perhaps the silicon compound used to make some rubbery oven mitts?
2. Heat retention: How to keep the hot liquid hot?
3. Environmental factor: Better than plastic and styrofoam take out cups, the collapsable travel mug would still take a long time to biodegrade.

Potential market:
The number of people in the world who drink coffee/tea while en route.

If anyone out there in Internet-land cares to take up this idea, all I ask in return for my intellectual property is a 5% stake (gross, not net) and a lifetime supply. Any takers?

Failure Bowl 2008

This is the Kentucky Fried Chicken Famous Bowl, mashed potatoes topped with corn, gravy, breaded chicken, and cheese:


This is American comedian Patton Oswald's take on the KFC Famous Bowl:



This is what happens when Jeff and Nat, inspired by the routine, decide it's a good idea to have a "Failure Bowl" party:


And this is the Onion AV Club story (which, for the record, was published five days after our own Failure Bowl) in which Patton Oswald finally taste tests the KFC Famous Bowl:

The Famous Bowl hit my mouth like warm soda, slouched down my throat, and splayed itself across my stomach like a sun-stroked wino. It was that precise combination of things, and so many other sensations that did not go together. At all.

Narrowly ahead of the curve in comedy-based fast food taste tests? That us.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Holiday Tally

Temporal
Total number of days in Calgary: 14
Days spent in Calgary before feeling homesick for Edmonton: 11
Days left before heading back to Edmonton: 1
Number of days after Christmas that stores were still playing Christmas music: 1 (or, still, if you count the strip mall down the street from my parents' house)

Caloric
Pieces of chocolate consumed: 50-ish?
Amount of turkey eaten: more than usual/too much
Highest number of consecutive days of alcohol intake: 5
Number of days spent without coffee due to having a cold: 4
Resulting caffeine withdrawal headaches: 3
People lecturing me about caffeine addiction: 2

Academic
Number of pages read of a novel: 184, so far
Pages read of a novel that I hadn't read before: 0
Guilty thoughts about neglecting work: too many/on par for an academic
Number of supervisor-imposed, major deadlines missed: 1

Yarn
Number of presents received in yarn form: 2 (one as gift card)
Number of presents given in yarn form: 3 (1 toque, 2 scarves)
Number of yarn shops visited during Boxing Week: 2
Amount of yarn purchased: enough for 2 scarves, 2 hats, and a sweater

Monetary
Let's not go there.

Misc.
Number of hints dropped by generous sister re: getting my driver's license: enough, already
Thwarted attempts to buy the Saturday Globe and Mail: 2
Trips to a mall: 5
Conversations about Guy Maddin: 1
Cell phones acquired: 1
Time spent catching up with good friends: lots and yet still not enough
Egg shells broken: 0