Canada goes apeshit over Obama; crowns him king
Ima Fakir
Feb. 19, 2009
OTTAWA — In a surprising development, U.S. President Barack Obama was crowned King of Canada today during his first official visit abroad since taking office.
“My fellow… er, my subjects,” His Royal Majesty King Obama said as he addressed the admiring throng gathered on Parliament Hill. “Every day presents us with an opportunity to learn something new. Today, I learned that under a little-known clause in Canada’s Constitution, an internet petition signed by at least three per cent of the population can get a man—a foreigner, no less—crowned monarch. And I thought poutine was the awesomest thing about this country. I mean, cheese curds and gravy? Wow.”
The coronation occurred during what Obama thought was a routine tour of the House of Commons, heretofore renamed the throne room. Prompted by Governor-General Michaëlle Jean, Obama jokingly sat in the Speaker’s Chair, whereupon a crown was placed on his head and a sceptre in his hand.
“Anyonewhoagreestobeking say what,” the Governor General commanded.
“What?” asked a confused Obama.
At the cue, a group of trumpeters hiding in the viewing gallery stood up and played by “God Save the King” while all present bowed.
The newly crowned King Obama spent the rest of the afternoon meeting with Jean and a bevy of constitutional experts behind closed doors, reportedly placing a conference call to Washington D.C. and Buckingham Palace. King Obama emerged over an hour later and gave a soaring coronation speech that filled some listeners with so much hope they spontaneously combusted.
Not all on the hill were pleased with the change in leadership.
“Is Danny Williams behind this?!” asked Prime Minister Stephen Harper, whose duties have been reduced to mostly ceremonial ones. “I’m going to kick his ass!”
International leaders, including German Chancellor Angela Merkel and King Juan Carlos I of Spain, phoned to congratulate King Obama on his expanded duties as leader of the most and least important thirds of North America.
Most of the Canadian provinces and territories welcomed the new king enthusiastically, holding spontaneous, tearful rallies across the country. Alberta was the sole dissenter, having already sworn fealty to King Ralph and thus setting up a potential civil war.
