The Dissertation Code

No, this is not the magic formula on how to write a dissertation. Instead, this is the code of behaviour for dealing with dissertation writers, a handy guide for anyone who has a loved one currently writing a disseration, and some simple rules to ensure your loved one's santity and your own survival. Consider it a public service.

1. Never ask about the dissertation or the dissertation chapter.
This includes general questions, specific questions about page counts, progress reports, meetings with supervisors, passive-aggressive questions about convocation dates, and the like. If the dissertation writer wants to talk about it, they will bring it up first. Sometimes, even a "how was your day?" will be construed as a question about the dissertation. In fact, it might be best to stop asking the writer questions altogether and stick to simple declarative sentences.

2. Never ask when they are going to finish.
Especially not constructed as a "so you'll be done by _____?" inquiry. Grad students don't do well with deadlines, actual or hypothetical.

3. Anyone who is also writing a dissertation should never talk about how well their own writing is going around someone who is struggling.
This will only provide someone with an anguished benchmark against which to measure their own poor progress. Writing a dissertation already feels like a battle against yourself; you don't need any new competition.

4. Do not talk about Fight Club.
Oops. Wrong list. Substitute "dissertation" for "fight club", though, and it could work.


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