Dear U of A "Annual Giving Office"

Dear U of A "Annual Giving Office":

I am guessing that my e-mail address is on your mailing list because in addition to being a grad student at this fine institution, I am also an instructor and therefore fall into the category of "Faculty and Staff". I received the attached e-mail from you today, and found myself in an awkward, cognitively dissonant position as Instructor-me was canvassed for a donation to benefit Student-me.

You should know that I already support U of A students—one arts student in particular—on a daily basis, providing needs as basic as food, clothing, and shelter. I am uncertain that going to your "NEW Online Giving website" which you tout as "efficient, secure, and most cost effective!" will actually be more efficient for me, since I already have ready access to the money that Instructor-me earns for Student-me. Moreover, I'm afraid I must regretfully decline your suggestion of making a "monthly gift via payroll deduction" because I already do so: it's called my tuition payment.

In closing, U of A Annual Giving Office, allow me to offer you a gift and suggest that you double check your mailing list and remove the names of anyone who is a student. You would come off as less insensitive that way.

Sincerely,

Student-Me

P.S. If you actually have any clout, Giving Office, perhaps you can convince FGSR to give me an extension on my dissertation, since I clearly spend most of my time writing letters to entities that will not write me back (tm McSweeney's). Thanks.